{"id":1508,"date":"2023-05-29T06:15:47","date_gmt":"2023-05-29T06:15:47","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fathercodersoldierspy.com\/?page_id=1508"},"modified":"2024-11-28T13:16:30","modified_gmt":"2024-11-28T13:16:30","slug":"a-note-from-a-narcissist","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"http:\/\/fathercodersoldierspy.com\/?page_id=1508","title":{"rendered":"A Note From a Narcissist"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

May 2023<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

Background<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

This note is the final communication from a narcissist to one of his victims. The narcissist ran a high-control religious group and became upset because the victim no longer wanted to meet with them. The narcissist\u2019s pressure to attend was subtle at first, but became more overt and shaming when the victim would not comply. The narcissist then attempted to triangulate<\/a> against the victim by spreading negative disinformation among his friends and acquaintances, attempting to either use them to pressure him into compliance or turn them against him. The narcissist sent this note to the victim when, after trying to contact the victim repeatedly on the phone, the victim stated that he did not wish to talk on the phone that day. He was simply tired of the passive-aggressive guilting and manipulation to join the group.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The note is a classic example of narcissistic rage<\/a>, which can occur when their attempts to bend others to their will fail. However, it is more complex than that. It also neatly illustrates two principles associated with narcissists: DARVO and common manipulation tactics. If there was any doubt in the victim\u2019s mind that he was dealing with a narcissist, this erased it all.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

DARVO<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

DARVO stands for D<\/u><\/strong>enial, A<\/u><\/strong>ttack, and R<\/u><\/strong>eversing V<\/u><\/strong>ictim and O<\/u><\/strong>ffender. It works like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    \n
  1. Denial<\/u> \u2013 The narcissist will claim they never said or did that\n
  2. Attack<\/u> \u2013 If you have evidence or an argument, they will bypass that and directly attack you. This can be very exhausting or even frightening, but the narcissist loves doing it so they will usually win. Most people will back off after two or three attacks, because it wears them down. The narcissist however, gets a high off all this and it will make them feel better. The narcissist can weaponize things you have told them in confidence. They can create a sense of menace without directly threatening you.\n
  3. Reversing Victim and Offender<\/u> \u2013 After attacking you, the narcissist will reverse the victim and offender roles. They paint themselves as the victim and you as the attacker or problem. They may claim this is a witch hunt and everyone is out to get them, or that they are being persecuted. They may also make veiled threats about revealing the \u201ctruth\u201d about you, now the offender, to the public. This is the gaslighting main event designed to put you on the defensive. Once you go on the defensive, they have you trapped.\n<\/o>\n\n\n\n

    Below is the message from the narcissist, with the elements of DARVO highlighted in different colors. Misspellings and grammatical errors were retained.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n
    DENIAL<\/strong><\/td>\nATTACK<\/strong><\/td>\nREVERSE VICTIM\/OFFENDER<\/strong><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/table>\n\n\n\n

    Well its come to this between us? I stopped telling you my opinion on what you should do with your child and your spiritual life long ago. You pretty much told me you didn’t want to hear it and you were not going to do what I suggested anyway.<\/span> I’m going to remind you of some FACTS!! When you were in trouble who talked to you DAILY? Who encouraged you in the Lord every time we talked? Who got you a place to live when you couldn’t get an apartment anywhere because of the problems you were facing? Who went and got your daughter away from a child molester even when it cost me my own daughter? Why did I do those things and many more things to help you get here and live here?<\/span> I told you long ago that I loved you like a son I didn’t ever have. I cared for your spiritual walk and God showed me things you were doing and how it was going to hurt you seriously. What was your response to me, “I know I’m not walking like Jesus\u2019 teachings but I just can’t muster the desire to do it”. I loved you enough to stop asking you to come to our group. And because I loved you enough to ask your friend for his opinion to help me try and see what else I could do to help you, you get mad and cut me off just like you have done with everyone else. Is that how you show love and appreciation for someone who loved you when NO ONE else did? No one! You never learned one part of your military creed, honor. You never learned how to honor someone who honored you when you weren’t honorable.<\/span> I’ve always told you the truth but you haven’t been truthful with me. I’ve never tried to change you! I’ve given you truth and it’s up to you to do the changing.<\/span> Rebel against God all you want, there are plenty of examples in the Bible of people who chose your direction and your attitude. You stay on this self pity victim mentality and you will see how that works out. Your issues are not with others, there your issues. No one has held a gun to your head and made you do anything! Not your<\/span><\/em> [former] wife, your job, your pastor, this group and certainly not me! Stand up like a man and accept the life you have is due to YOUR DECISIONS! You don’t want to come to the group, don’t! You don’t want to listen to me? DON’T!<\/span> I’ve been praying for you several times a day! Every day! And because I care, you want to get pissy. Go a head, make God’s day. You want to be left alone, fine. Jonah wanted to be left alone too. Being alone doesn’t always work out the way you want. I guess I see exactly how you feel about me, no different than anyone else on the street.<\/span><\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist implemented DARVO in two iterations. First denying what he had done, then attacking the victim, then portraying himself as the victim and the victim as the offender. He then repeated this a second time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Iteration #1<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Denial<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist denied trying to manipulate the victim into obeying him with respect to attending religious events and raising his child. He had been pressuring the victim into adhering to his views on both for many years, even though the victim had just as much or more experience in these areas as him. At first, he gave frequent suggestions as to how the victim should pursue religion and raise his child, but the victim did not quickly and smoothly obey. This led to more passive-aggressive methods like comments that included subtle shaming or guilting, eye-rolling, and slandering him behind his back in attempts to triangulate<\/a> others against him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Attack<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist then attacked the victim by telling him all the things he (the narcissist) had done for him, with the clear insinuation that the victim was both ungrateful and disloyal. The \u201cfacts\u201d that the narcissist stated were greatly embellished and even outright false in some cases. The victim did live in the narcissist\u2019s apartment when he ran into some difficulties, but the narcissist did not \u201cget him a place to live.\u201d In fact, the narcissist was facing a heavy fine for breaking the 2-year apartment lease, which he had impulsively signed. The victim took over rent payment for those two years, then repaid the deposit to the narcissist out of his own pocket, and paid to have the apartment cleaned after the lease was fulfilled. He saved the narcissist thousands of dollars. The narcissist did help in rescuing the victim\u2019s daughter, who the narcissist\u2019s own daughter had abducted. However, that did not cost him his own daughter. She had already disappeared long before that. Finally, the narcissist did nothing to help the victim \u201cget and live here,\u201d which was move to a new home in another state. The victim did all that himself, with a little help from two friends, but not the narcissist.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Reversal of Victim and Offender<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    Finally, the narcissist reversed the victim and offender roles, by painting himself as an honorable, caring and loving man who the victim did not appreciate and kicked to the curb. Once again, many of his statements were either misrepresentations of what happened or outright lies.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The age difference between the narcissist and victim was only 6 years, hardly enough to claim being like a father to him.  This was simply at tactic to paint the narcissist as wise and sacrificial, caring for a wayward \u201cson.\u201d It also served to place the victim in an automatically inferior role as his \u201cchild.\u201d Similarly, the \u201ccared for your spiritual walk\u201d was more embellishment. All the narcissist had done was try to impose his personal rules upon the victim, framing them as commandments from God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The victim never stated that he did not want to walk like Jesus\u2019 teachings, only that he did not want to meet with group led by the narcissist because of the hours of mindless babbling associated with it. The narcissist falsely framed this as not walking in Jesus\u2019 teachings and then applied a broad brush to paint the victim as following none<\/u> of Jesus\u2019 teachings. The message here is clear. The narcissist is a pious man who follows Jesus, while the victim is a sinful apostate who does not.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist framed his triangulation attempts, which he correctly assumed the victim had seen through, as enlisting a friend to further \u201chelp\u201d the victim.  Notice that the issue of whether or why the victim needed any help in the first place was never addressed. The narcissist just portrayed himself as helpful, and therefore good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Finally, the narcissist made a low blow by framing himself as an honorable man at the expense of portraying the victim to be dishonorable. No details or reasons were given for this. It was left for others to paint in, hopefully with their own reasons why the victim was dishonorable. This also served double duty as being another attack upon the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Iteration #2<\/h3>\n\n\n\n

    Denial<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist began his denial in the second iteration by stating he was truthful with the victim and never tried to change him. Both assertions were blatantly false. The narcissist hid many things from the victim and misrepresented even more. First and foremost, he hid his true nature of wanting to control and dominate, concealing it behind a fa\u00e7ade of caring concern. He secretly slandered and talked down the victim to others for years, something the victim had only recently discovered. The narcissist had tried to change many things about the victim, from his religious practices, to his parenting, to his daily schedule, to his partner, to with whom he was and was not permitted to associate. When the victim did not accede to the narcissist\u2019s \u201csuggestions\u201d about these, the narcissist proceeded to apply passive-aggressive pressure by guilting, shaming and triangulating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Attack<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist attacked the victim a second time by accusing him of rebelling against God and not being a man. This was not only hyperbole, but also projection of what the narcissist himself was doing. He accused the victim of not following God because he declined to attend group meetings, something that has nothing to do with God\u2019s commandments. Meanwhile he himself lied, manipulated, slandered and verbally abused. A good argument can be made that all of these actions by the narcissist indicated that he was not following God. He then accused the victim of not being a man with respect to past relationships, when the narcissist himself cheated on his dying wife, then threw his three teenage daughters out of their home at the behest of the adulteress who moved him with him, just days after his wife, the girls\u2019 mother, died. These below-the-belt blows from the narcissist described him, not the victim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Reversal of Victim and Offender<\/h4>\n\n\n\n

    The narcissist smoothly created three role reversals here within the space of a few sentences. First, he was the pious man, praying for the sinner. This assumed he actually prayed at all, which is impossible to verify. We will just have to take his word for it. Second, he cared and the victim was ungrateful and \u201cpissy.\u201d Ironically the tone of the narcissist\u2019s entire message accurately fits the definition of \u201cpissy.\u201d More projection. Third, the narcissist implemented the pity play by stating that the victim was no better than all the other mean and ungrateful people on the street who do not appreciate the narcissist for all he does.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    Manipulation Tactics<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

    A psychology professional to whom this message was shown said it was jam packed full of different manipulation tactics. I counted ten within the space of 505 words. Also, the narcissist used the accusatory pronoun \u201cyou\u201d or \u201cyour\u201d 62 times.  Over 10% of the message contained the finger-pointing you, you, you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

    The following ten manipulation tactics are present in the message:<\/p>\n\n\n\n