The Making of a Sociopath … or Not

January 2024

I the real world there is no nature versus nurture argument, only an infinitely complex and moment-by-moment interaction between genetic and environmental effects.

Gabor Maté

I was raised by two narcissists and subsequently in adult relationships with several more. I was married to a female psychopath for several years as well.  I’ve spent the last five years deconstructing all the toxic psychological trains that have run over me through the course of my lifetime. I’ve learned a lot. Their tactics are predictable, consistent … and above all they work almost every time. So, why don’t I use them as well? I’m really not sure.

The “nurture” view of psychology asserts that psychologically disordered environments produce psychologically disordered children, and later adults. Narcissist parents produce narcissist children. Psychopath parents produce sociopathic children. Repeated exposure to such environments produces people with anti-social personalities. If this is true, then why, after 50 years of exposure to this, am I not a narcissist or sociopath? Two very simple reasons. Conscience and empathy.

However, the real mystery is where I got both conscience and empathy. I remember them being there from earliest childhood, but my parents certainly did not teach them. They modeled the exact opposite behavior. Both their highly toxic and dysfunctional families did not teach them either. Living as a light-skinned foreigner in a land of dark-skinned people who made it a point to ridicule and abuse me because of my differences, did not instill it either. So where did it come from?

If it was genetic, then it ran contrary to every other person in both my extended families. You would be hard pressed to find a more evil, self-centered and selfish group of people. If it was a gene, then it must have mutated when I was produced. If it was environmental, then it was in spite of everything I experienced, which runs contrary to the “nurture” paradigm. Believe me, I have often wanted payback because of what I experienced. Especially now that I know the tools of the trade and they would be so easy to implement. I’ve seen conscienceless people get what they want time and again by using others, yet I still will not do it.  Conscience and empathy.

Whenever I contemplate hurting or using someone because of how they have hurt or used me, the main thing I think about is the pain I felt, often still feel, from what they did to me. I don’t want to be responsible for causing that in another person, even if I hate that person and they acted deliberately. Society, and even the Bible in some cases, justifies payback in such cases, yet I refrain.  If the person who hurt me did so unintentionally, or even carelessly, I want to do it even less. If I still care for, or love, the person in question, then it is an impossibility.

I could easily use a person. String them along. Play the back-and-forth ping pong game of manipulation while I control them. The buttons are all there. Everyone has them. Easy to find and easy to push to get predictable results. Yet I find it distasteful. Why? Everything I was taught and have experienced indicates that manipulating and using others is a winning strategy. Also, the cause of the pain I feel is my own conscience and empathy. Doing away with both would make life so much easier and lucrative. I have a compartmented mind, so I believe I could suppress them enough not to have them affect me. Yet I do not want to do so and here I am.

The most I am capable of doing is cutting ties and walking away. It took decades to learn that and break out of the also predictable cycle of co-dependent abuse. Today, if a person who hurt me is unrepentant and shows they are unrepentant, I am gone without ever looking back again. I feel zero guilt or remorse for it. After all, I have refrained from paying them back what they deserve, so they are getting the better end of the deal. Walking away does nothing to ease my pain, however. Pain, it seems, is the ever-present byproduct of conscience and empathy.

It is insanely easy to use someone if you just don’t care about them. Fortunately, or unfortunately, I am not wired that way. These are the cards I was dealt and I play the world’s game using them, for better or worse. I cannot go against my nature, even if it is a baffling conundrum from where that nature even originated.

Update

While studying some material from Jay Reid, a mental health professional licensed in the USA, I discovered some data that might explain how my empathy developed. Mr. Reid was describing four psychological strengths that are common to people who were scapegoated by their narcissistic parents as children. One of these strengths is empathy. He described how these children develop empathy in the crucible of narcissistic abuse. The child’s survival depended on meeting the narcissistic parents’ emotional demands and avoiding actions their parents would see as offensive. Thus the child became hypersensitive to the feelings of others, namely the parents. Mr. Reid alluded that some children are not able to develop this empathy, or do not develop it as effectively. This could be either genetic or some other environmental variable(s). I do not know.

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Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. Officially defined as policies and programs that promote the representation and participation of different groups of individuals. Except it doesn't include white men. It specifically excludes them while silencing them by calling them racist or misogynists if they object. It organizes traits of the rest of the people according to a notional victim status, with those higher up in the hierarchy gaining privilege at the expense of those below. Grifters calling themselves DEI experts and consultants have extracted millions of dollars from business and government offices promoting this divisive traitism. Reducing social cohesion makes people easier to control. Working in a diverse setting increases, rather than decreases, the breakdown of social trust, even within the same socio-economic class.

Men Going Their Own Way. A general philosophy (not a movement) of men focusing on themselves, rather than playing the rigged Western game of engaging with women and losing their assets and children to them through a legal system biased against men. As with all philosophies, there are some elements that are more radical.

Judging, elevating or favorably treating others by physical characteristics, or traits. Replaces racism due to the fact that there is only one race, human.

The overriding view that women are strong and independent, don’t need men, and are more competent and wiser than men. Men are to realize and admit that they are both inferior and toxic.

Giving too much attention and affection, whether through gifts, compliments, or acts of service as a way of seeking validation from someone else.

Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable situation head-on, the deflectors will try to move the focus from themselves, usually by passing the blame onto someone or something else.

Individuals are confronted with two choices, both of which have negative results. The choices are framed to produce an emotional response in the person, forcing them to choose or look bad. The individual will fail, no matter what choice they make. The abuser will use this as leverage to further manipulate the victim by depicting them as weak, flawed or ineffective.

The manipulative process by which individual or collective freedom of choice and action is compromised by agents or agencies that modify or distort perception, motivation, affect, cognition and/or behavioral outcomes. The person being mind controlled is not aware of the influence process, nor of the changes occurring within themselves. They believe they are acting according to their own choices.

A declaration of an intention or determination to inflict punishment, injury, etc. to frighten and emotionally force a person to do something.

The intentional manipulation of another person’s emotions to induce feelings of guilt. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and making them feel responsible for something they are not.

Using sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them or say no.

Attempting to establish a perceived close bond with someone very quickly to overcome their natural caution and use them for money, resources or work. This is often involves a quick push for friendship or intimacy.

A manipulative tactic where someone portrays themselves as a victim to gain sympathy, attention, or caregiving. The goal is to make the person eliciting pity seem like a victim, which can make it easier to get what they want without being seen as a bad guy. This is because people are naturally inclined to help those they pity.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A Chad is a stereotypical alpha male. He is depicted as attractive, successful, muscular, cocky and very popular among women. He has a tendency to play the field and will not commit to any woman.

An enabler of a highly narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A flying monkey is an agent who acts on their behalf.

Projection involves taking an unacceptable part of oneself, disowning it, and placing it onto someone else. The manipulator describes the victim and paints them in a light that more accurately portrays the attacker himself.

Toxic amnesia is a tactic where the perpetrator pretends to not remember abuse, betrayals, lies, and other hurtful and dysfunctional behaviors they've engaged in. Its a form of gaslighting. Its purpose is to make you doubt your perceptions and memories.

Narcissistic rage can be triggered by various situations, such as criticism, perceived rejection, or being ignored. The reaction is often extreme and disproportionate to the event or comment, as the narcissist's fragile ego struggles to cope with the perceived attack on their self-image.

Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.

The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance.

To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. ~ American Psychological Association

Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, narcissists use relationships for self-enhancement. Everyone must feed them. In addition, they seek validation and attention in their public and professional life. Other people are used as objects in order to provide their supply. For example, they may need constant compliments or applause, more status and money, or may check their appearance in the mirror several times a day. ~ Psychology Today

Fraud that targets people belonging to a particular community or group, typically that in which someone pretends to be a member of the group in order to gain the trust of others.

Second Attack
Second Attack
First Attack
First Attack
Initial Dispositions
Initial Dispositions
ZSU 23-4
ZSU 23-4 Anti-Aircraft Gun
TOW Missile
TOW Anti-Tank Missile
T55 Tank
T55 Tank
SA7
SA7 Surface to Air Missile
M113
M113 Armored Personnel Carrier (APC)
M48 Tank
M48 Tank
Hawker Hunter
Hawker Hunter Jet
BTR-50
BTR-50 Armored Personnel Carrier
BM21 Stalin Organ
BM21 Stalin Organ
Howitzer
Howitzer
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
120mm Mortar
120mm Mortar
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

A religious leader uses valid verses or concepts from the Bible about following and obeying God to generate enthusiasm in people, then misdirects that obedience to himself as a representative of God. The group believes they are following and obeying God, but in reality are obeying the leader.

A fictional, exaggerated version of an opposing viewpoint, especially one that is intentionally created to be easy to dismiss or argue against and to make one's own argument seem stronger. Straw man arguments can be made unintentionally, but most are made on purpose to make the other side seem evil, incompetent, or extremist.

The religious leader distracts members from mentally registering what he is doing.  Screaming praise to God when something he proclaimed does not come to pass.  Acting like a bad thing is really a good thing.  Just keep talking and talking and talking, while ignoring that nothing is happening. It is the same thing politicians have done successfully for years.

The leader calls members flattering adjectives or nouns, like righteous, holy, or saint.  These are often vague and difficult to define, so the member feels the leader’s superior knowledge has recognized something good in them.  Conversely, if the leader later withdraws this praise, the member is eager to toe the line to recover it.

Manipulation of a person or group's emotions in order to make them believe something is factual (or false) in the absence of any evidence. The manipulator tries to draw on the recipient's inward feelings such as fear, pity, or joy with the goal of convincing them that the statements being presented are true or false.

Essentially a black-and-white worldview with the leader as the ultimate moral arbiter. This creates an atmosphere of guilt and shame, where punishment and humiliation are expected. It also sets up an environment wherein members spy and report on one another. Through submission to the guilt-inducing and impossible demand for purity, members lose their moral bearing.

The use of jargon internal to (and only understandable by) the group. Constricting language constricts the person. Capacities for thinking and feeling are significantly reduced. Imagination is no longer a part of life experiences, and the mind atrophies from disuse.

The process whereby the group becomes the ultimate arbiter and all nonbelievers become so-called evil or non-people. If these non-people cannot be recruited, then they can be punished or even killed. This process creates an us-versus-them mentality that breeds fear in followers who learn that life depends on a willingness to obey. This is when individuals merge with the group’s belief.