Blind to Red Flags

Several years ago, I had experiences with two different high-control religious groups, first leaving one and later the other, because of the control. The leaders of both groups exhibited high-control behaviors used by cults. I recently saw the following posted by someone still in one of these high-control groups.

The poster was referring to the first cult leader as displaying these red flags, but seemed completely unaware that the second one he was now following displayed all the same ones.

The second leader’s own words that he spoke to others show that he exhibits every one of these red flags:

  1. Exclusivity – this teaching is superior to all others.
    I will teach what the others don’t. How to walk out the Torah [Old Testament] through Jesus’ teachings.
  2. Don’t be involved with people who think differently from “us” / other people won’t be able to relate to you like we do.
    We warned you about having contact with people outside our group and including us in their issues.
  3. No one else can help/understand you the way I can.
    I told you long ago that I loved you like a son I didn’t ever have. I loved you enough to stop asking you to come to our group. And because I loved you enough to ask your friend for his opinion to help me try and see what else I could do to help you, you get mad and cut me off just like you have done with everyone else.
  4. Criticism of teachings/teacher is seen as a personal attack
    [When a person left the group] I guess I see exactly how you feel about me, no different from anyone else on the street.
  5. Extreme loyalty and admiration are an unspoken demand.
    Is that how you show your love and appreciation for someone who loved you when NO ONE else did? You never learned how to honor someone who honored you when you weren’t honorable.
  6. Concrete/absolute statements are made about the universe, as in “this is the way it is.”
    Rebel against God all you want, there are plenty of examples in the Bible of people who chose your direction and your attitude.
  7. Lavish attention from teacher can quickly shift to discarding if you are not compliant. [All the abusive words in these other eight red flags were stated when I or others declined to attend the leader’s “teachings.” Contrast them with how the leader spoke prior to this.]
    I need your support on this. I value your views and opinions. I trust you and need you to be with me on this.
  8. Other teachers, teachings or modalities are put down/discouraged
    You shouldn’t listen to a psychologist. Are you trusting in man, or God?
  9. Your teacher takes credit for your progress, awakening experiences, or anything else … as something they caused or did.
    Who encouraged you in the Lord every time we talked? I cared for your spiritual walk and God showed me things you were doing and how it was going to hurt you seriously.

How can a person be so blind to warn others of these red flags while being oblivious to them himself? It is easier than you think. I have been there myself.  There are several reasons why this can happen, all of them powerful and difficult to overcome.

Love Bombing

The leader lavishes attention and praise upon the group member. The member cannot conceive of the leader being anything other than a kind and caring person. This is a façade that the leader employs as long as the member is useful and obeys him.  The leader is actually the exact opposite.

False Mirror

The group reflects back a false impression of themselves to people within it. Most members aspire to become better people, so they reflect that back upon themselves and create an echo chamber reinforcing it. This influences them to view the actions of the leader and the direction in which he guides the group as positive. After all, he’s only doing what he does to make us all better people. This false reflection makes people sincerely believe the leader is good, the group is good and their efforts are good.

Gaslighting

Group leader and his flying monkeys convince member of an alternate reality. This tactic is used against people who start having doubts or concerns. They are “lovingly” beaten down into believing that their accurate view of things is false, that they are the problem, and that they need to work harder to toe the line.

Guilting and Shaming

This one complements the gaslighting by making people feel ashamed, defective or even blasphemous for thinking something is wrong with the leader or group. Valid concerns are quickly shut down by redirecting the narrative to how ungrateful, selfish and sinful the person is for even questioning things. This puts the person on the defensive instead of being able to logically address the real issues. Extra points for having other group members dog pile onto the person.

Peer Pressure / Desire to Belong

Many members of the group obtain their identity from the group. Even more so because of the religion. If they leave the group, they lose their identity and have to start all over again. They may lose people they perceive as friends, although I would question the true friendship of someone trying to pressure you to remain in a toxic group.

Conclusion

Some people learn from the experiences of others. Other people have to experience something for themselves before they learn. Then there are people who never learn. Which one are you? I was the type who had to experience it for myself before I learned. It was painful, but I will not soon forget it. In my defense, there was no one around to teach me or show me how these toxic dynamics play out. I had to learn it all on my own. If you are reading this, now someone has shown you. It is up to you what you do with it. Will you open your eyes, or will you remain in darkness?

During several years of trying to separate fact from fiction in these two high-control religious groups, I enlisted the help of cult expert Dr. David McDermott. During one of our discussions he stated, “Why can’t you study the bible on your own and not rely on someone else to interpret it for you?” At the time, that registered as a non sequitur for me. I could not comprehend that there was a way other than attending the teachings of a religious leader. The piece I was missing, and later discovered, is that many of these religious leaders are phonies with little or no desire to teach accurately. They are in it for status, praise, admiration, control over others and sometimes money. So indeed, why not study on my own? I may run the risk of having less knowledge (although from what I have seen of many of these “pastors” and “teachers,” that is a very low risk), but at least I can be assured that my own pursuit of this knowledge is sincere and untainted by someone else’s hidden agendas.

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Judging, elevating or favorably treating others by physical characteristics, or traits. Replaces racism due to the fact that there is only one race, human.

The overriding view that women are strong and independent, don’t need men, and are more competent and wiser than men. Men are to realize and admit that they are both inferior and toxic.

Giving too much attention and affection, whether through gifts, compliments, or acts of service as a way of seeking validation from someone else.

Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable situation head-on, the deflectors will try to move the focus from themselves, usually by passing the blame onto someone or something else.

Individuals are confronted with two choices, both of which have negative results. The choices are framed to produce an emotional response in the person, forcing them to choose or look bad. The individual will fail, no matter what choice they make. The abuser will use this as leverage to further manipulate the victim by depicting them as weak, flawed or ineffective.

The manipulative process by which individual or collective freedom of choice and action is compromised by agents or agencies that modify or distort perception, motivation, affect, cognition and/or behavioral outcomes. The person being mind controlled is not aware of the influence process, nor of the changes occurring within themselves. They believe they are acting according to their own choices.

A declaration of an intention or determination to inflict punishment, injury, etc. to frighten and emotionally force a person to do something.

The intentional manipulation of another person’s emotions to induce feelings of guilt. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and making them feel responsible for something they are not.

Using sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them or say no.

Attempting to establish a perceived close bond with someone very quickly to overcome their natural caution and use them for money, resources or work. This is often involves a quick push for friendship or intimacy.

A manipulative tactic where someone portrays themselves as a victim to gain sympathy, attention, or caregiving. The goal is to make the person eliciting pity seem like a victim, which can make it easier to get what they want without being seen as a bad guy. This is because people are naturally inclined to help those they pity.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A Chad is a stereotypical alpha male. He is depicted as attractive, successful, muscular, cocky and very popular among women. He has a tendency to play the field and will not commit to any woman.

An enabler of a highly narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A flying monkey is an agent who acts on their behalf.

Projection involves taking an unacceptable part of oneself, disowning it, and placing it onto someone else. The manipulator describes the victim and paints them in a light that more accurately portrays the attacker himself.

Toxic amnesia is a tactic where the perpetrator pretends to not remember abuse, betrayals, lies, and other hurtful and dysfunctional behaviors they've engaged in. Its a form of gaslighting. Its purpose is to make you doubt your perceptions and memories.

Narcissistic rage can be triggered by various situations, such as criticism, perceived rejection, or being ignored. The reaction is often extreme and disproportionate to the event or comment, as the narcissist's fragile ego struggles to cope with the perceived attack on their self-image.

Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.

The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance.

To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. ~ American Psychological Association

Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, narcissists use relationships for self-enhancement. Everyone must feed them. In addition, they seek validation and attention in their public and professional life. Other people are used as objects in order to provide their supply. For example, they may need constant compliments or applause, more status and money, or may check their appearance in the mirror several times a day. ~ Psychology Today

Fraud that targets people belonging to a particular community or group, typically that in which someone pretends to be a member of the group in order to gain the trust of others.

Second Attack
Second Attack
First Attack
First Attack
Initial Dispositions
Initial Dispositions
ZSU 23-4
ZSU 23-4 Anti-Aircraft Gun
TOW Missile
TOW Anti-Tank Missile
T55 Tank
T55 Tank
SA7
SA7 Surface to Air Missile
M113
M113 Armored Personnel Carrier (APC)
M48 Tank
M48 Tank
Hawker Hunter
Hawker Hunter Jet
BTR-50
BTR-50 Armored Personnel Carrier
BM21 Stalin Organ
BM21 Stalin Organ
Howitzer
Howitzer
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
120mm Mortar
120mm Mortar
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

A religious leader uses valid verses or concepts from the Bible about following and obeying God to generate enthusiasm in people, then misdirects that obedience to himself as a representative of God. The group believes they are following and obeying God, but in reality are obeying the leader.

A fictional, exaggerated version of an opposing viewpoint, especially one that is intentionally created to be easy to dismiss or argue against and to make one's own argument seem stronger. Straw man arguments can be made unintentionally, but most are made on purpose to make the other side seem evil, incompetent, or extremist.

The religious leader distracts members from mentally registering what he is doing.  Screaming praise to God when something he proclaimed does not come to pass.  Acting like a bad thing is really a good thing.  Just keep talking and talking and talking, while ignoring that nothing is happening. It is the same thing politicians have done successfully for years.

The leader calls members flattering adjectives or nouns, like righteous, holy, or saint.  These are often vague and difficult to define, so the member feels the leader’s superior knowledge has recognized something good in them.  Conversely, if the leader later withdraws this praise, the member is eager to toe the line to recover it.

Manipulation of a person or group's emotions in order to make them believe something is factual (or false) in the absence of any evidence. The manipulator tries to draw on the recipient's inward feelings such as fear, pity, or joy with the goal of convincing them that the statements being presented are true or false.

Essentially a black-and-white worldview with the leader as the ultimate moral arbiter. This creates an atmosphere of guilt and shame, where punishment and humiliation are expected. It also sets up an environment wherein members spy and report on one another. Through submission to the guilt-inducing and impossible demand for purity, members lose their moral bearing.

The use of jargon internal to (and only understandable by) the group. Constricting language constricts the person. Capacities for thinking and feeling are significantly reduced. Imagination is no longer a part of life experiences, and the mind atrophies from disuse.

The process whereby the group becomes the ultimate arbiter and all nonbelievers become so-called evil or non-people. If these non-people cannot be recruited, then they can be punished or even killed. This process creates an us-versus-them mentality that breeds fear in followers who learn that life depends on a willingness to obey. This is when individuals merge with the group’s belief.