Another Man’s Children

December 2024

Introduction

American men marrying single mothers. Noble, or stupid? Savior, or volunteer cuckhold? Kind benefactor, or ATM machine? Appreciated, or taken for granted? Those are all emotional views of the dynamic. What could or should happen, good or bad. What about the practical view? What really happens? We will examine that now. Below are some of the realities of being a step-father. Detractors will claim not all situations are like this. They are correct, but the vast majority of situations are exactly like this, or close enough to generalize about it.

(Note: This article describes the reality of marrying a single mother in the United States. The dynamics may be very different in other parts of the world. In fact, I have seen it to be very different in the Philippines and other parts of Southeast Asia.)

The Step-Father Comes Last

The woman’s children will always come before the husband. Always. They were there first, you came later. But wait, it gets better. You’re not second, or even third. Second is the wife’s family. After that comes the biological father. That’s right, the children’s father will be a permanent fixture in your life. Even if he’s a great guy and you get along well, he’s still an extra man in your marriage. A man who once shared an intimate bond with your now wife. He saw her naked, touched her body, shared complete intimacy with her. They will still talk regularly, and not just about the children. There’s nothing you can do about it except shut up and take it.

The father’s family will also be in your life. The grandparents, the aunts, the uncles, the cousins. There is a good chance some of them will dislike you. They may try to turn the step-children against you. That is not parental alienation, because you are not the biological parent. Their allegiance is to their son/brother/uncle, not you. Their family functions and events will come before your family functions and events. You will be at the mercy of their schedule and desires. You might even be on the hook to chauffer the children to the father and his family on a regular basis for visitation.

You come last. That’s it. Except when it comes for time to pay for things. Which leads to …

You Are an ATM

However you may want to wrap it up in nobility or kindness, you are a life support system for an ATM. That’s  your primary (sometimes only) role. She never would have married you if you were an unemployed bum. In fact, she never would have married you unless you had a substantially greater income than her and were willing to share all or most of it with her. Perhaps you provide the sole income, so she can “focus on being a mother.” A mother to children who are not even yours. Be advised that if this is the situation, you are setting yourself up to give her a major cash payout when she divorces you. Statistically, there is a 60% or greater chance of that happening.

You’re Not Their Father

The mother will step in any time she wants and override you as the head of the household. In fact, marrying a single mother is a de facto admission that you are not the head of the household. Believe me, the mother will step in often to overrule you. She probably operates on emotion, while you operate on logic. She operates on how things feel while you operate on the consequences. The kids just have to shed one tear, make a pouty face, or lament that it’s not fair for her to overrule any real-world consequences you bring to the equation. Case closed. The kids get what they want. The children figure this out very quickly and pull the strings of their mother’s emotions to get what they want, never mind discipline or real-world consequences. This will grow progressively worse as the kids grow older, culminating in absolute monsterhood during the teenage years. Expect heavy expenses for their spoiled and selfish actions, possibly even jail time.

Contempt

Although there might be appreciation for your support, both financial and physical, that is usually taken for granted rather quickly. Within a year, what you provide becomes expected, then demanded, then insufficient. They will want more and more. Why? Because this entire dynamic is ruled by the mother who “feels” that you, the man, should be doing more. She and her offspring are spoiled children whose wants and desires are never checked by the real world. You will be treated with contempt as a person with responsibility, but no authority. Do you know what they call a person with responsibility, but no authority? A slave. How are slaves viewed both those above them, who reap the fruits of their work? With contempt.

The Children Are Not Yours

The mother can take them out of your life at any time and you don’t even have the meager protection US courts give the biological father to get visitation. Many step-fathers form strong bonds with their step-children, investing time, resources and emotion into them for many years. Then the mother abruptly and permanently removes them from the man’s life. Forever. I’ve seen many men devastated by this. Ironically, the same courts that take these children away from the man, sometimes have no problem forcing the man to continue paying money to the woman for children that are not his and who he will never see again.

She is a Flight Risk

Over 60% of all second marriages involving children end in divorce within 10 years. Some statistics are as high as 73%. Would you make a financial investment at those odds? No, but that is exactly what you are doing when you marry a single mother. Rest assured that she will get preferential treatment from the family courts, because she has children and no Y chromosome. You will end up paying. A lot. Even if none of the children are yours. If you do have children together, she will take your biological children from you as well, and you will end up paying even more. Now your biological children will have siblings who are already against you and will assist the mother in alienating you from them. This is not negativity, it is reality. It happens thousands of times every year to thousands of men.

Disclaimer

This reality is specific to the West, especially the United State. It may be different in other cultures. Where I live, in the Philippines, I see a lot of Western men marrying single-mother Filipinas. I do not know the internal dynamics of their relationships, looking from the outside I see far more happy relationships that seem to last.

Conclusion

All of this is reality. If you look hard, you can find exceptions. There’s always a guy or girl somewhere who states that the step-father made a real difference in their life. I applaud their efforts, but make no mistake, they gambled at tremendous risk and won. Are you going to bet your family and finances on hitting a single number on the roulette wheel? For every one of those who won, there are thousands who lost. For every step-father who actually had authority, there are thousands who didn’t. For ever step-father where the mother was the main financial provider, there are thousands where he was on the hook for finances.

The exception does not prove anything. There is a huge chance that all of the above will apply to your situation as well. Well over 50%. Probably closer to 70%. Would you accept those kinds of odds for the probability of a plane or automobile crash? Of course not. How about the opposite of a less than 50%, or less than 10%, chance that your investment would make any profit at all. No. Marrying a single mother is an investment, in time, money and love. In most cases, it is a bad investment.

Site Footer

Sliding Sidebar

Archives

No archives to show.

Categories

  • No categories

Articles

Diversity, Equity and Inclusion. Officially defined as policies and programs that promote the representation and participation of different groups of individuals. Except it doesn't include white men. It specifically excludes them while silencing them by calling them racist or misogynists if they object. It organizes traits of the rest of the people according to a notional victim status, with those higher up in the hierarchy gaining privilege at the expense of those below. Grifters calling themselves DEI experts and consultants have extracted millions of dollars from business and government offices promoting this divisive traitism. Reducing social cohesion makes people easier to control. Working in a diverse setting increases, rather than decreases, the breakdown of social trust, even within the same socio-economic class.

Men Going Their Own Way. A general philosophy (not a movement) of men focusing on themselves, rather than playing the rigged Western game of engaging with women and losing their assets and children to them through a legal system biased against men. As with all philosophies, there are some elements that are more radical.

Judging, elevating or favorably treating others by physical characteristics, or traits. Replaces racism due to the fact that there is only one race, human.

The overriding view that women are strong and independent, don’t need men, and are more competent and wiser than men. Men are to realize and admit that they are both inferior and toxic.

Giving too much attention and affection, whether through gifts, compliments, or acts of service as a way of seeking validation from someone else.

Instead of accepting responsibility and facing the uncomfortable situation head-on, the deflectors will try to move the focus from themselves, usually by passing the blame onto someone or something else.

Individuals are confronted with two choices, both of which have negative results. The choices are framed to produce an emotional response in the person, forcing them to choose or look bad. The individual will fail, no matter what choice they make. The abuser will use this as leverage to further manipulate the victim by depicting them as weak, flawed or ineffective.

The manipulative process by which individual or collective freedom of choice and action is compromised by agents or agencies that modify or distort perception, motivation, affect, cognition and/or behavioral outcomes. The person being mind controlled is not aware of the influence process, nor of the changes occurring within themselves. They believe they are acting according to their own choices.

A declaration of an intention or determination to inflict punishment, injury, etc. to frighten and emotionally force a person to do something.

The intentional manipulation of another person’s emotions to induce feelings of guilt. It is a form of emotional blackmail that is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and making them feel responsible for something they are not.

Using sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them or say no.

Attempting to establish a perceived close bond with someone very quickly to overcome their natural caution and use them for money, resources or work. This is often involves a quick push for friendship or intimacy.

A manipulative tactic where someone portrays themselves as a victim to gain sympathy, attention, or caregiving. The goal is to make the person eliciting pity seem like a victim, which can make it easier to get what they want without being seen as a bad guy. This is because people are naturally inclined to help those they pity.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A woman is simultaneously a victim and empowered, until something happens. Then she chooses which state benefits her the most.

A Chad is a stereotypical alpha male. He is depicted as attractive, successful, muscular, cocky and very popular among women. He has a tendency to play the field and will not commit to any woman.

An enabler of a highly narcissistic person or someone with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). A flying monkey is an agent who acts on their behalf.

Projection involves taking an unacceptable part of oneself, disowning it, and placing it onto someone else. The manipulator describes the victim and paints them in a light that more accurately portrays the attacker himself.

Toxic amnesia is a tactic where the perpetrator pretends to not remember abuse, betrayals, lies, and other hurtful and dysfunctional behaviors they've engaged in. Its a form of gaslighting. Its purpose is to make you doubt your perceptions and memories.

Narcissistic rage can be triggered by various situations, such as criticism, perceived rejection, or being ignored. The reaction is often extreme and disproportionate to the event or comment, as the narcissist's fragile ego struggles to cope with the perceived attack on their self-image.

Triangulation is when a toxic or manipulative person, often a person with strong narcissistic traits, brings a third person into their relationship in order to remain in control. There will be limited or no communication between the two triangulated individuals except through the manipulator. It may appear in different forms, but all are about divide and conquer, or playing people against each other.

The action or practice of lavishing someone with attention or affection, especially in order to influence or manipulate them.

Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors. This produces a feeling of mental discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs, or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance.

To gaslight someone means to manipulate another person into doubting their own perceptions, experiences or understanding of events. ~ American Psychological Association

Because their sense of self is determined by what others think of them, narcissists use relationships for self-enhancement. Everyone must feed them. In addition, they seek validation and attention in their public and professional life. Other people are used as objects in order to provide their supply. For example, they may need constant compliments or applause, more status and money, or may check their appearance in the mirror several times a day. ~ Psychology Today

Fraud that targets people belonging to a particular community or group, typically that in which someone pretends to be a member of the group in order to gain the trust of others.

Second Attack
Second Attack
First Attack
First Attack
Initial Dispositions
Initial Dispositions
ZSU 23-4
ZSU 23-4 Anti-Aircraft Gun
TOW Missile
TOW Anti-Tank Missile
T55 Tank
T55 Tank
SA7
SA7 Surface to Air Missile
M113
M113 Armored Personnel Carrier (APC)
M48 Tank
M48 Tank
Hawker Hunter
Hawker Hunter Jet
BTR-50
BTR-50 Armored Personnel Carrier
BM21 Stalin Organ
BM21 Stalin Organ
Howitzer
Howitzer
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT7 Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
AT3 Sagger Anti-Tank Missile
120mm Mortar
120mm Mortar
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile
AT4 Anti-Tank Missile

Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.

A religious leader uses valid verses or concepts from the Bible about following and obeying God to generate enthusiasm in people, then misdirects that obedience to himself as a representative of God. The group believes they are following and obeying God, but in reality are obeying the leader.

A fictional, exaggerated version of an opposing viewpoint, especially one that is intentionally created to be easy to dismiss or argue against and to make one's own argument seem stronger. Straw man arguments can be made unintentionally, but most are made on purpose to make the other side seem evil, incompetent, or extremist.

The religious leader distracts members from mentally registering what he is doing.  Screaming praise to God when something he proclaimed does not come to pass.  Acting like a bad thing is really a good thing.  Just keep talking and talking and talking, while ignoring that nothing is happening. It is the same thing politicians have done successfully for years.

The leader calls members flattering adjectives or nouns, like righteous, holy, or saint.  These are often vague and difficult to define, so the member feels the leader’s superior knowledge has recognized something good in them.  Conversely, if the leader later withdraws this praise, the member is eager to toe the line to recover it.

Manipulation of a person or group's emotions in order to make them believe something is factual (or false) in the absence of any evidence. The manipulator tries to draw on the recipient's inward feelings such as fear, pity, or joy with the goal of convincing them that the statements being presented are true or false.

Essentially a black-and-white worldview with the leader as the ultimate moral arbiter. This creates an atmosphere of guilt and shame, where punishment and humiliation are expected. It also sets up an environment wherein members spy and report on one another. Through submission to the guilt-inducing and impossible demand for purity, members lose their moral bearing.

The use of jargon internal to (and only understandable by) the group. Constricting language constricts the person. Capacities for thinking and feeling are significantly reduced. Imagination is no longer a part of life experiences, and the mind atrophies from disuse.

The process whereby the group becomes the ultimate arbiter and all nonbelievers become so-called evil or non-people. If these non-people cannot be recruited, then they can be punished or even killed. This process creates an us-versus-them mentality that breeds fear in followers who learn that life depends on a willingness to obey. This is when individuals merge with the group’s belief.