A friend of mine was in a long-distance relationship with a woman for several years. He was in the USA and she was in another country. He felt something was off, because she didn’t chat online with him as much as usual and started declining video chats. He dug into social media. Not just hers, but her friends and family, and their friends and family, and their friends and family. After less than an hour, he found it. Pictures of a party, with her and some other man hanging all over each other. He took screen shots and sent them to her, asking what was going on.
She deflected and made excuses. Where did he find the pictures? The guy wasn’t anyone important. It was just one party. My friend remained silent, giving her more rope to hang herself, which she eventually did. When he would not respond to her, she eventually broke down and confessed that she had sex with another man and got pregnant. The child was already one year old. She had strung my friend along for almost two years.
She stated that sex with the other guy was just a one-time thing. She was drunk. She didn’t enjoy it. He was abusive and not there for his child. All the standard lies and excuses. It’s amazing how many cheating women get pregnant from “just one time.” Ever try to have a baby with a woman? It can take months, even with a woman in the prime of her fertility. Also, it’s pretty easy to know roughly when you’re ovulating. Why go out drinking with guys during that time period and open yourself up to drunk sex? Why go out drinking with men at all when you are already in a committed relationship? No, the more likely story is that this guy was her boyfriend behind my friend’s back and she was just stringing my friend along for whatever she could get out of him.
Needless to say, my friend was devastated. This wasn’t his first rodeo however, so he didn’t collapse into a pile of depression or crawl into a bottle. Instead, he took a step back and considered the situation for several days while also praying to God about it. Against counsel and better sense, he decided to give her a second chance and take her back. He even offered to be a step-father to her child, given that the “abusive” biological father had abandoned them. It was a questionable decision to take her back, but there is no doubting the kindness of his heart. She was tearful and said all the usual grateful words. Things were … OK … for a while.
Just a few weeks later, she ghosted my friend after stating she couldn’t be with him and was going back to the child’s father, so they could “be a family.” That was the final straw for my fiend. He is a kind man, but even his patience is finite. He cut her out of his life and moved on.
Fast forward several months. She starts bombarding his social media with messages stating “how sorry” she is and begging for “one more chance.” My friend’s curiosity got the better of him and he asked her what was going on. She said the child’s father had led her on, then abused and dumped her. The abuse allegations were probably exaggerated, or even outright lies, given how she kept running back to him. Please spare me all the rhetoric about women being powerless. They have a lot more power in such situations than the common narrative pushes, but playing the poor, helpless victim is to their advantage. If he was abusive, where is the arrest record?
However, the “led on and dumped” dynamic is very typical of the toxic men for whom many women so eagerly spread their legs. I pointed out to my friend that the guy probably caught wind that my friend had offered to take her back, so he rushed back to love bomb the woman, pull her away from a decent man, then crap all over her again once the deed was done. Predictably, she fell for it … because that is what she is attracted to.
My friend was done with her and told her there was no way in hell he would ever take her back into his life. She had more than proven herself as a liar, deceiver and person of low character. That barely put a speed bump into her efforts. She bombarded him with messages for the next few months. Every time he blocked her on one platform, she found another avenue or worked around it somehow. She begged, pleaded and promised the world if he would only take her back. She even went into the dark realm of telling him he could do anything he wanted with her, a possible glimpse into what she craved from her relationship with the toxic guy. This only served to repulse my friend. No, he was done with her.
She began romanticizing the situation, as though she were some poor martyr sacrificing herself for her child, and my friend was “the one who got away.” Her social media became a show case of a mother’s selfless sacrifice and her strength for going it alone, with subtle references to “the one who got away” as losing out on something good. Never mind that she had willingly cheated on a good man to give herself to a malignant one. Never mind that she had strung this good man along for almost two years, lying to him and covering up her deceit. Never mind that he had forgiven her and taken her back, only to have her willingly blow it a second time. No, she was the righteous victim here, staying strong for her child. The good man was “the one who got away.” Except, he didn’t get away. She had him. He was going nowhere. Then she threw him away. Twice. He simply refused to come back the second time.
She also pushed a narrative of deserving to be treated good. Quotes like this filled her social media. Never allow someone into your life who doesn’t treat you the way you deserve or desire. That’s great. Tell me though, how does a person who cheats, lies, deceives and uses another person “deserve” to be treated? I believe in forgiveness, but the forgiven person should also be repentant of what they did. Proclaiming to be deserving of wonderful treatment while abusing others is not repentant. It is hypocrisy. Contrite self-refection, or even silence, would be better. My friend dodged a bullet through discovering her true nature and ending their relationship.
Lessons learned? First, beware of long-distance relationships. There is a very high likelihood of cheating, or even worse, being the side guy who is just being strung along. The same danger exists for women. It is just human nature to seek someone to be with. Remaining far apart just begs that to happen. It can be difficult for even the most disciplined of persons. If you want to be together, then make an effort to be together physically. Find a way to make it happen.
Second, trust but verify. The easiest way to verify today is to dig into her social media. This is easier on women’s social media because of their solipsistic nature. They love to put themselves on center stage. Every event. Every venue. Every party. Every experience. It is all out there for you to see. Even if your “lady” is savvy enough not to post it on her media, her female friends and relatives will post it on theirs. Search through all her friends and family, then all their friends and family. They cannot help but out themselves. It is in their nature. Conversely, if you find nothing bad about her on any of these various media, that is a positive sign. Be sure to search for any alternate accounts she might have. Use a new social media account to do so, in case she has blocked you on your original account. You might need to get creative or just grind through a bunch of her friend’s friend links and comments to find it.
Third, no second chances. What my friend did giving her another chance was kind. It even showed good character. However, it was not wise. Giving a cheater a second chance only confirms to them that you will put up with their cheating and they can do it again later. Even if they promise you the world or total control over them, it won’t last. They will eventually grow bored or chafe at your control and cheat again. I believe that some cheaters can and do change. It isn’t common, but it can happen. If so, that’s great. They can prove it to the next guy (or girl). Don’t be in a relationship with someone you no longer trust. It will destroy you.