When I first considered being an expat again (for the 3rd time), I had the mistaken notion that expats were a cut above average. My first two experiences in Europe and the Middle East confirmed this belief. Most of the expats with whom I interacted were intelligent, grounded people who made good life decisions and eschewed drama. We all got along well in an environment of mutual respect and civility. I assumed this was common to all expat communities. I have never been so wrong in all my life.
Fast forward several decades. I was retired and wanted another expat experience in my life. Someplace I had not lived before. I chose Southeast Asia, the Philippines. I’ve been here several years now, and I enjoy it a lot. Except for most of the encounters I’ve had with fellow expats. They are some of the most obtuse, mean-spirited people I’ve ever encountered. Especially the English speakers. Mind you, not all of them are like this. Not even most of them. However, the minority percentage is so bad that it taints the entire group. Other expats tolerate them. “Oh, he’s just like that. Don’t pay attention to him.” No, he’s a jerk and I won’t be around him.
Here are some of the more common categories of these malignant types:
The Complainer
Everything here sucks. The chickens and karaoke are too loud. There’s trash all over the place. The locals just want your money and will gouge you. The women are all gold diggers or prostitutes. You marry her, you marry the family and they will take all your money. The drivers are irresponsible. The food is terrible. The people are lazy. The infrastructure is terrible. There are no sidewalks. Electricity fails. Water fails. Trash services fail. The visa fees are too high. The businesses are greedy. There is no social safety net. We all did it so much better in [insert country of origin]. Blah, blah, blah. It goes on and on and on.
Yes, some of it is true. Somewhat, anyway. No place is perfect. So why did he come here? Many people will respond with that exact question. “Why did you come here?” That won’t even make a dent in his diatribe. He will continue like you never said anything. Complaining is his sport and he pursues it daily. You can find groups of these men flocking together at the local watering holes every day, complaining ad nauseum to whomever will listen until they shamble “home” in a drunken stupor. Is it any wonder the locals consider us rude idiots?
Hang out with these guys and you will soon become just like them. Bitter and drunk by 4pm every day.
The Killjoy
This guy is almost like the complainer, but he frames it as advice or mentorship. Have a local wife or girlfriend? He’s done that. She ripped him off and left. It didn’t work out for him, and it won’t work out for you either. Building a house? Yes, been there done that too. It didn’t work out either. The locals gouged him for building costs and created a cheap product. The people living around him were jealous and caused problems. His ex moved her entire extended family into the place and kicked him out. The same thing will happen to you. Visiting another island? He’s already been there. It’s not worth it. Trash, dirty, expensive, and the locals will just rip you off. Visiting another nearby country? Same thing.
Buying a car? Bad move, just get a scooter. Buying a scooter? Bad move, how will you get your groceries home? Buying no vehicle and using local transportation? Bad move, the locals will rip you off on fares. Shopping at Store A? Store B has better selection for a cheaper price. Shopping at store B? It’s not genuine and sub-standard.
Everything is a moving target. The bottom line is you’re doing it all wrong, whatever it is. However, he has no wisdom to impart. Only nay saying. One wonders why he is still here, given all his bad experiences.
Hang out with this guy and you will be too afraid to try anything. Ever.
The Know-it-All
He has all the answers. You don’t. He isn’t like the killjoy, squashing every and any idea you have. He just has a better way of doing it. Sometimes he’s right and it is a better way, or at least a good way. It’s not so much his information, as the arrogant way of his delivery. Like you are a retarded 3rd grader, and he is explaining quantum physics. It’s clear that you’ll never get it, but he needs to explain it anyway. The Know-it-All is the least toxic. He is simply annoying, not malicious.
The Basher
He is a malignant combination of Know-it-All and Killjoy. He is not here to impart wisdom. He is here to be superior and right. He will attack you for doing, thinking or feeling anything that doesn’t match his own world view. If you don’t agree with him, it’s not a difference of opinion. It’s a serious failing on your part making you an idiot. He is especially prevalent in online expat groups, where he can attack from behind a keyboard without fear of physical repercussions. The telltale sign that you are dealing with a Basher is that he quickly resorts to insults and name calling.
He will judge everything you say or do. In an age gap relationship with a Filipina? You’re a predator and she just wants your money. In a same age relationship with a Filipina? You’re a loser who cannot get a woman in your own country, and she just wants your money. In no relationship? You’re an incel running away from your life, and you have no money. (A lot of things with him seem to center around money.) Expat dating a Filipina single mother? You’re a stupid simp. Expat refusing to date single mothers? You’re a weak, insecure man who needs to step up. Want to start a business here? You’re a fool who will be destroyed financially. Simply want to retire here quietly? You’re a parasite who is exploiting the economic disparity while giving nothing back to the community. Many of these bashers aren’t even in the Philippines, but they love to chime in to the expat community with their acerbic wisdom.
Heaven forbid you are an even somewhat popular expat vlogger in the Philippines. The Basher will attack you with even more venom. You represent everything he hates. If he could only identify it and state it coherently. Social media doesn’t care. The people love the drama and slop it up like pigs at a trough. Bashers seem to be the real losers. Either being too cowardly to venture past their own borders, or having done so and failed. Either way, any expat succeeding or being happy shines light on their cowardice or failure, so they must attack to preserve their identity.
The Moralist
This guy (sometimes woman) lives to inject his Western ideological standards into the Philippines. He is probably a Basher cloaked in false virtue. He also is not here to impart wisdom. He is here to be morally superior and correct. Many Bashers also do not live in the Philippines.
If a Filipina doesn’t like her expat chatting online with other women, she’s insecure and jealous. We got over that limited mindset in [insert name of Western country] ages ago. If an expat agrees with that Filipina that they shouldn’t chat with others, he’s also insecure, a simp or an incel. If the expat left behind Western marriage to have a relationship in the Philippines free of government involvement, then he’s a predator who is exploiting vulnerable young women in an economically disadvantaged country. If the expat got tired of feminism and moved to a more traditional country, he’s a weak man who is running away from the strong Western women.
Western women and their feminist male allies in this group are especially triggered by age gap relationships, but only if the man is the older party. They will quickly declare the man a predator and the adult woman to be naïve and vulnerable. Never mind that they were championing 18-year-old girls having complete agency just five minutes earlier.
Like their Basher superset, the Moralist quickly resorts to insults and name calling but does it with an air of false morality. Instead of calling you an idiot or loser, he or she will use words like misogynist or predator. Instead of calling you stupid, he will say you are emotionally immature. Their entire perspective is based on the victim-oppressor narrative, and the expat is always the oppressor. He is a predator. He is taking unfair economic advantage. He is exploiting a disadvantaged group. The Moralist is noble because he or she supports the poor victim. In reality, most of them are too cowardly, lazy or incompetent to make any positive changes to their lives, so they seek to elevate themselves by tearing others down. They have also never helped a single one of the victims they claim to champion. Many of the female moralists are angry that the men dared to seek and find female companionship outside their approved boundaries.
Commonalities
Many of the Bashers, Know-it-Alls, and Moralists seem obsessed with bringing Western politics to the other side of the planet and continuing their divisive arguing there. They cannot shut up about it. Even for one moment. Every question, comment or issue is spun into Orange Man bad or disparaging the Libtards. Never mind that many of us travelled thousands of miles because we are sick of that and wanted to escape it. I see local politics here. Yes, the people have different opinions and can be very spirited about it. However, they don’t turn every single conversation and situation into an argument about it.
The more skilled Bashers and Moralists may seek to bait you into an angry response, then declare you to be the problem. They will be passive aggressive about it, making statements that are clearly attacking you, but just vague enough for them to claim they were never doing it. They often claim to just be seeking discourse, have a discussion, or seek opinions. However, they are mostly pushing buttons to see who is on their side and who they can get to blow up, so they can claim either moral or intellectual victory. One would almost think they are people suffering from personality disorders, given the manipulative tactics they so often use.
Don’t bother trying to engage or debate with any of these types. Off or online. It is a waste of your time, and possibly a negative impact on your sanity. They live to argue and be right. Many are bullies. Many more are below average IQ. They won’t consider your opinions or perspectives, because they don’t care about them. They won’t admit any other possibilities exist, because their way is the only way. Anyone who cannot see that is a fool.
The Playboy
This guy isn’t annoying and he doesn’t usually attack other expats or speak into their lives. He focuses on running his game to work through a steady stream of local women. He often dangles the carrot of material wealth to get a woman to commit, then disappears when he tires of her. Some focus strictly on the bar girls and semi-professionals, engaging in a choreographed dance of who can exploit whom the most. Others prey on young province girls who don’t know any better. Both give expats a bad name. They are the ones the Moralists point to whenever they want to make the point that expats are evil predators. In this case, they are sometimes right. Especially with respect to the Playboys who prey on the province girls. Which is why I have nothing to do with the Playboys.
Wrapping It Up
In conclusion, there proportionally seems to be just as many disagreeable and annoying Westerners here as there are in the Western nations. Probably more, although the ones sniping online from the West are a sizeable number that might skew that perception. Being an expat in Southeast Asia does not appear to bestow any greater degree of civility, wisdom or agreeability. I have very few expat friends here and I am hesitant to increase that number, given what I have seen of most of them. At least not for the sole reason of them also being expats. Yes, I have a handful of expat friends. They are nothing like the ones I described above. They also steer clear of the ones described above.
Why is this so different from my two past experiences in Europe and the Middle East? Perhaps because most of us were still employed there, while here most of us are retired. Holding a job requires a certain amount of civility and self-monitoring if you don’t want to get fired. None of that is required for a retired person. The pension keeps on coming. Maybe the income disparity gives many expats here a big head and brings out the jerk in them. That disparity did not exist in my two previous locations.
In Europe and the Middle East, most of us were in the military or associated with military projects. Here, most never had anything to do with the military. The military experience brings a certain amount of discipline and patience with it, although not for everyone. I have noticed that I get along better here with the handful of fellow veteran expats. Even if we have different viewpoints, we generally get along and just agree to disagree. It very rarely devolves into name calling and insults. A certain level of respect is present.
In Europe and the Middle East, most of us were younger and occupied full time with making a living. Here most of us are older and have the leisure to focus on being jerks or being something different. Also, maybe many of us carry baggage that has made us bitter to the point of no longer wanting to keep our mouths shut. So, we attack anyone who we feel is trying to tell us what to do. It is what it is.
