This is written for people who have decided to help the family of their wife or girlfriend. People who wish to share and help the community can also find this valuable. I’m not entertaining the debate of whether you should give at all. Some people don’t want to give anything, and that’s fine. They already have the problem solved in a different way. This is not for them. There are a lot of expats who want to help improve the lives of the local people where they reside. This is for them.
Even when you regularly give a generous guaranteed amount, they quickly want more. This is often because others jump in to try to get on the gravy train. Many won’t even directly approach you, rather pressuring the people you are supporting for money. Most of those people don’t have strong boundaries and they cave in to requests and demands. When those you support pass it along to others, they seek to make up the shortfall by asking you for more money. This is an unavoidable pain point. If you don’t make it their pain to eat the shortfall and not do it again, then it quickly becomes your pain to keep making up their shortfalls.
The bottom line is setting and keeping boundaries. I have both failed and succeeded in doing that. Fortunately, I never failed catastrophically. Most of my small failures have turned into new boundaries. The critical key is sticking to them. 100%. Don’t bother trying to explain or outline these boundaries to those asking for your money. Most won’t get it. Those who do, won’t care. Asking you does not cost them anything. At the very worst, you don’t give them money, and they are no worse off than before. If they succeed even a little, they win. There is no losing scenario for them, so they keep doing it. They won’t stop to think that maybe they will piss you off to the extent that you won’t give anything anymore. At least not that I have seen. Just implement the boundaries and stick to them without explaining.
In my experience, trying to teach them budgeting or other financial principles is also a waste of time. Very few will care to learn. It’s all just about the next payout.
Below are some of the red flags and pitfalls you may encounter while being a financial benefactor to your wife or girlfriend’s family.
Lapsing
What if you lapse with one of your boundaries? It happens but be prepared to have the floodgates open up almost immediately. You’ve just shown them that asking a second or third (or seventeenth) time will get them the money they want. Maybe crying a little harder or generating a more pitiable excuse. One of my wife’s relatives told her, “Sure he says no, but I just keep asking until he says yes.” She was playing me for a sucker, and it succeeded … for a while. It worked because I eventually gave in. NEVER give in. Even when you can afford it. Especially when you can afford it. Moreover, all those standing on the sidelines watching will see that you have relented. They will rush in, assuming the dam has broken and free money is flowing out. You have just ruined your entire day, maybe even week. A few iterations of that will teach you not to give in. Ever.
Pity Play
There is always a good reason when they ask you for more. At least, a reason that sounds good. Medical problems. Funeral. School needs. Broke and out of food. Sponsorships for everything and anything. They will send you pictures of receipts, flyers, other people’s requests … all to show you that it is legitimate. Bear in mind however, even if it is legitimate, that doesn’t automatically make it your problem or responsibility. Giving in to any of these is the same thing as lapsing (see above).
Advances – The Hidden Boundary Breaker
When you say no, they will come back asking for an advance on what you were going to give them next week, or next month. This sounds reasonable on the surface. After all, it’s on them when they are short next month. What will happen is they will come next month crying about not having money and asking for another advance. Soon, they are into you for 3 months’ worth of advances … and still crying about not having enough money. You’ve just pushed the battle into the future and made the eventual reckoning worse with each advance. Now they have no money and you’re telling them that they aren’t getting any for the next three months. Good luck with that one.
You Must Be the Adult
It seems ridiculous to treat grown adults as children who cannot manage money, but that is exactly what you must do. No, you don’t manage it for them, but you do take measures to lessen the impact on you. Set an amount and stick to it. If you give monthly and discover they spend it all in the first week, consider giving every two weeks or every week. If you do that, beware of the shifting date game. Say you give them money on the 1st and 15th. They approach you on the 10th asking to switch to that date. That’s just a disguised advance and it will have the same bad effect down the road. Don’t do it.
Stick to One Recipient
Give the money to one family member and make it their responsibility to parcel it out to the rest. That way you won’t have two brothers-in-law, five cousins, and an uncle all hitting you up for beer money every Friday. If anyone else approaches you for money, direct them to the recipient. If you have a lot of problems with that family member always asking for more, consider switching to someone else and see how that works.
Stick to the Budget
Budget the amount that you want to give every month. Track what you are giving on a spreadsheet. Track it daily if needed. When the number is reached, tell everyone that you have nothing left this month and that they will have to wait until next month. Few will take the first no for an answer. They will ask again with greater urgency, a sad excuse, cutting the amount in half, pity play. All the usual tricks. Say no again. If they keep pushing, ignore them after that. The more you engage, the greater the chance your resolve will break and you will give in … “just this once.” If all this tracking seems like too much work, then resign yourself to watching your money disappear because you have no idea where it is going.
You Are Not Required to Speak to Them
After they have asked you several times and you have said no several times, don’t feel obligated to keep the conversation going. Ignore all the rest of the texts or calls. This may be troublesome if they feel insulted or your wife pressures you. If you are in that situation, you may have bitten off more than you can chew in your relationship. It’s time for you to make some hard decisions. You can become a big asshole and keep everyone at arm’s length. You can relent and eventually go bankrupt. You can also turn your back and walk. All three of these are pretty bad, but it’s really all you have left if your wife doesn’t have your back.
Don’t Give Them Control
Don’t give them control over any aspect of your finances. Don’t lend your card or give access to accounts. Don’t give them cash to hold onto for you. It all goes through you. This includes your wife. If she doesn’t like it, tough. It’s your only defense against becoming one of those broke, down-and-out expats begging the embassy for a plane ride home. I don’t lend money at all. If I cannot afford to give it outright as a gift, I don’t give it at all. I let my wife try it out with a few small loans to friends and family. None of them paid it back. Not one. Ever. If a Western man is the source of the funds, they feel entitled to never pay back … because, you know, Western men have unlimited money anyway. My wife quickly realized what a pain in the butt it was and she refuses them all money now.
Don’t Go Into Business
Unless you are a seasoned international financier or businessman, do NOT go into any kind of business with the locals. Ever. If you want to give them startup money, that’s on you. However, do not be their partner. Do not give monthly infusions of funds. Do not keep them afloat. 95% of businesses fail, because most of the locals have no concept of budget, cash flow, inventory, or profit/loss. The few who do are masters at undercutting your expenses and will copycat your success for a cheaper amount. They will drive you out of business. Moreover, do not put your name on anything. The last thing you want is people coming after you to settle the debts your business “partner” ran up. After all, you are the foreigner with the deep pockets.
Gouging
Almost everyone will try to gouge you. Just expect it and get used to it. They believe you have tons of money, so you should also pay tons of premiums. The extent to which they will blatantly attempt it will appear utterly shameful by Western cultural standards. My wife’s best friend’s father, the man who stood in for my deceased father at our wedding, tried to gouge me $35,000 on a land purchase. This was on top of the $35,000 the land already cost, of which he would have received a $5,000 commission.
The Investment
People will approach you from time to time asking for you to make an “investment” in their enterprise or business. This is not the same as going into business with them. You are giving them money that they will use for their endeavor, with the promise of a return in the future. That return usually never comes. Here is an example. An uncle approaches you asking for 2,000 pesos in exchange for giving you one of the piglets from the next litter his sow produces. A few months later, that sow has a litter of still born. All piglets are dead, including the one you paid for. Tough luck. Hey, you didn’t want a pig anyway.
Unexpected Events
Special events will happen a lot. At least every month. Usually more often. Count on it. Funeral. Festival. School recognition. School fees. I keep a slush fund for what I consider are legitimate expenses. I don’t tell them about it. Nobody knows it exists. The important thing is that it is budgeted already and doesn’t come off the bottom line. This will probably result in a perception of the flood gates opening, so be prepared to tell a lot of people no afterwards when they hit you up for more. That’s just the way it is.
Dinner/Lunch Invitations
One of the aunties from your wife’s family will invite you to meet them for lunch at a nice restaurant. You show up with your wife. She shows up with her 15 relatives (I am not exaggerating on the number). Guess who picks up the tab? Yes, food is cheaper here, but 15 people is still several hundred dollars. I decline all invitations except from immediate family, who don’t do it anyway.
Jealousy
You give brother-in-law a small sum to buy some beer on Friday evening. Mother-in-law is guaranteed to hear about it. Now she is upset with you because you didn’t give her any money when she asked last week for school supplies. The other brother-in-law has an empty gas tank on his scooter and is upset that you didn’t fill it up for him. Even cousins try to get in on the act and get mad because they didn’t get treated to coffee last month when you were there. This is how one act of affordable kindness quickly escalates into you being the bad guy. It is easier and more effective to stick to a regular sum at a regular time every month, paid to one person who is in charge of distribution.
Jealousy can even extend to things you do for yourself. You go on vacation with your wife to a nice resort or other country in the region. Some relatives will infer that, since you are able to go on an expensive vacation, you should also be able to fund a big expense for them. New motorbike. Additional room on the house. Small parcel of land. The list goes on and on. I haven’t seen this often, but it can happen. This one makes me see red. My response is, “I will spend my money how and when I see fit. I do not need your permission or approval. I will not apologize for doing it. I worked 30 years to get to this point and I will not feel guilty for enjoying it.”
When Kindness Becomes Entitlement
There is a very thin line between your kindness in monetarily helping those less fortunate, and those whom you help expecting it as their due simply for existing. Sometimes what you give becomes the bare minimum and they expect more … simply for existing. A friend bought his brother-in-law a brand-new scooter. The brother-in-law became angry with him because it was not the model he wanted. He voiced his disapproval very loudly. My friend cut off all help to him after that.
Not every person you help will become entitled. In fact, most won’t. It runs on a scale of a few who never push boundaries on one end, and the entitled monsters on the other end. Most people are somewhere in the middle. It’s still a problem however, as even those in the middle can become dissatisfied recipients who feel they should have more. It is common for them to expect you to elevate them not only out of their poverty, but up to your lifestyle. That is usually an impossibility. You can elevate their daughter (your wife), but not her whole family. Be sure you choose carefully who you marry, so that she won’t have the expectation that you elevate her entire family.
The Loan Gambit
I’ve seen some men successfully employ a gambit where they loan a family member a substantial amount of money. Substantial for here, not the West. Five thousand pesos or so, which is less than $100. The person to whom they lend predictably does not pay them back. From then on, whenever someone asks for money, they say “So-and-so still owes me 5,000 pesos. I’m not giving anything until he pays me back.” This gambit performs double duty when you lend to the person who is the most aggressive in asking you for money. Knowing you will pressure him for repayment of the loan almost guarantees you he won’t contact you anymore. Extra points when others give him a hard time too, because now their gravy train is cut off because of him. I don’t recommend this gambit unless you have very strong boundaries and a high tolerance for drama, but I have seen it work well.
Sanity Check
Check how the monthly amount you give compares to the average salary for professions in the country. In my case, I was giving a guaranteed monthly amount equal to a high end professional teacher or mid-level engineer. When they kept asking for more, I asked them to explain how they survived before if they currently cannot survive with the amount of money earned by an upper middle-class professional. This did not even count what they were already earning. Do this if you start feeling guilty. It is not your obligation to elevate them to your standard of living or cover the expenses of people asking them for money.
New Boundaries
You will always have to create and set new boundaries. The people to whom you give will often try to figure out new ways to get around your already established boundaries. It is often easier for them than earning legitimate money in other ways. Things like advances and moving around payment dates are just two examples above of what I faced. There will undoubtedly be more.
Conclusion
The bottom line is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. If you don’t keep them, you will probably grow bitter. That’s just the way it is. If you want to give and do it cheerfully, then keep those boundaries. Don’t try to be popular. Don’t try to be liked. Somebody will be upset at you no matter what you do. Just be polite, firm and fair. I know it is a generalization, but many spend the money within a week of getting it. No matter how much you give them. Ten, twenty, two hundred, two thousand. It’s all gone in a week. I have seen very, very few planners or savers here.
